Thursday, January 04, 2007

Rhetorical? You can decide.

I am in a strange place today.

There is something disturbing about being down in the dumps for no apparent reason. I just woke up wishing I did not have to wake up. Not like a tired feeling just a feeling of “I do not want to interact with anyone today.”

Does that ever happen to you? Do you ever just wake up in a mood that makes no sense? I am finding that things that should make me happy are not doing so much for me today.

My brain is overloaded with thoughts and ideas that I cannot make sense of. I am not sleeping well because I cannot shut my brain off and I cannot focus on anything. Here I am at work, not working but posting on my blog. I have a million things to do and I have no clue where to start or what has to be done. Not that I want to do anything anyway. I feel like I am in a dream and not a good one.

Ugh, I am getting more depressed just reading what I have written.

Is this a side effect of diabetes? It always seems like everything is connected to the D somehow. At that same time I think that I blame Diabetes for everything. Do I use it as a cop out? I actually said, after getting into an argument with my wife the other day, “Well maybe I need to check my blood!” Have I turned into a pathetic loser who hides behind his disease? Is there a Diabetes Card and am I playing it?

This is difficult to ask but is there a point where Diabetics can take advantage of their disease? Can I blame the Bete for things and not own my own “issues?”

Maybe I should check my blood?

I quit.

9 comments:

In Search Of Balance said...

Man, it sucks to feel out of sorts like that. It does happen to me, too, but if you feel like that for a long time, you might ask a medical professional about it.

Diabetes as a card to be played is certainly something that happens, and I've caught myself at it a couple of times. That you recognize that doing so is not in your (or other people's) best interest shows that you're clearly not a "pathetic loser who hides behind his disease." Sometimes we slip, and have to forgive ourselves.

I hope things get better for you soon, and am sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Best wishes to you and yours...

floreksa said...

Quite honestly you came very close to describe my ppd. Throw in random paranoia (getting car jacked with A in the car) and you'd be there 100%.

I'd talk with your Dr, but it really does sound like depression. I spent 9 LONG months telling myself that I could just "snap" out of it. I couldn't.

And I've read that diabetics are 50% more likely to suffer then the general public.

Vivian said...

Big Hugs dear friend.
It is human to play the card, but at least you are aware that you are in the game, that is a good sign. I know there is some physical reason why people with chronic illness get depressed but you know what? I don't have a disease and I get like that too. I think it has to do with living in a house with two diseases. Even without your odds of depression because you have diabetes, it is a lot to deal with and I think your brain just says screw it for a while, I don't want to deal with any of it kind of attitude. Hang in there, just don't let it get away from you. We are all here for you 24/7.

Sasha said...

I get that feeling of being down for no obvious reason way much more times than I'd like to. It is very annoying, especially because you can't figure out the cause of a sudden ignorance to life and depression.

Diabetes might be a cause but usually there is something else, which is bothering me but I try to hide it somewhere way back in my mind in a dark corner.

But then again, this morning I felt like crying for no reason at all and it took me all of my will power to make myself go to work. Strange, but not really. My blood glucose was 1.5 last evening and 22 last night, so you can guess how 'wonderfully' I felt in the morning and still. But than again, it's a vicious circle, the extreme blood sugars are caused by stress in life, and then extreme blood sugars cause stress yet even more. I'm trying to get out of this vicious ride for quite a while already.

Sorry for such a long comment, you just really hit the right note with your post.

I hope you feel better soon.

justme said...

hugs from afar. Hope you feel better soon.

And wishing you a really awesome 2007!

Sugar & Spice - moved to http://d-iabetes.blogspot.com

ciao!

Minnesota Nice said...

Been there, done it, a thousand times over. This has been such a discombobulated holiday season, and with 2 short work weeks I feel very ungrounded - just spacey, floating, in a fog. I have already decided that on Sat I am gonna sleep 'til I'm done!
For me, the DB doesn't really have much to do with it, but, maybe I should go check my blood also.
Remember, Goerge - things change - your day could turn around in an instant, and I hope it does.

Julia said...

I don't have diabetes and I get like that quite often. The Black Dogs. They suck. I was diagnoses with depression and am trying different medications to see if they'll help, along with counselling. My advice is that if this continues or keeps happening, talk to a professional. Depression is a real thing and not something you can just talk yourself out of. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey George - I'm late again, but what else is new.

I do feel like this sometimes. Maybe even often. There are so many times where I just feel anti-social. I just don't want to deal with anyone or anything. I just want to sleep it all away.

Like MN said, I too felt very ungrounded this holiday season. Not sure why, maybe it's just the way it is supposed to be right now.

I have, for the record, noticed that I am much more irritable and cranky, prone to exploding on people, when my blood sugar is high. Actually, my wife is the one who pointed it out. So, I DO say "maybe I should go check my blood" when I'm in the middle of a spat.

Keep plugging along man - it will turn around. Hey! Go walk the labyrinth! I bet that would do some things for you...

Nic said...

Hi, George. Boy oh boy, does that sound familiar. I feel for you. Has the sun been shining in your neck of the woods? And have you been out in it? If not, you might think about getting a light box to help with the winter blahs.

That, and you should see your doctor (to echo what everyone else has said).