The New Creation

I have waited some time before I shared my experience at the Leadership Training I attended a few weeks ago. The reason I wanted to wait was that I did not want to try and express myself while I was still atop the cloud I floated home on. The problem I have found is that I am coming down so I will make sure I read this several times before I post it as to not ramble too much.

All of my life I have felt less than capable of doing anything. I have never had any faith in myself to succeed in life. My childhood was filled with disappointments, heartache, sadness, and an overall feeling of hate towards myself. I hated the way I looked, the way I felt, and spent many a night crying myself to sleep or wishing I could gather the courage to end it all.

This was long before I was diagnosed.

Fast forward to my life now and I see that I can accomplish anything I want to. I know now that I am not a loser or a failure and that I am exactly how I am supposed to be. Things I would have never done in the past, I am ready to attempt and give it my all now. What milestone occurred in my life to allow for this realization?

The Rapport Leadership training.

The 3 days I spent at Rapport was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I was able to step outside of myself and truly look inward. It was in no way easy. This was the hardest thing I have ever done and all 30 of the attendees said the same thing. Looking at yourself in an honest way is no easy task. I saw a lot of things I did not like and many things that are pretty darn good! It felt good to look at who I am and see someone I really do like. I would NEVER have said that before.

The funny thing is most people thought that I had great self esteem. I have always been able to put on a mask and play the part but inside I did not believe in myself. At home I felt like I was playing house and that even goes with my relationship with my children.

Imagine just sitting in a boat and letting the current take you wherever it wanted. People would come by and say, “You have so many paddles and engines on that boat! You can go anywhere you want to!” I would nod and agree and sit back down while the waves moved me where they wanted. Positive that if I attempted to start the engine it would be broken. Convinced that if I were to pick up an ore it would be heavier then I could handle or else I would drop it into the water. Nope, this was it. I was just going to float here forever. Oh well. I will not do that any longer.

The night before I left for Rapport I got a call from a council member of our church. I was nominated to be on a Call Committee whose purpose is to find a new pastor for our church. I agreed to do it and said, “I’ll do it if you think I will provide some balance to the group” to which she replied, “I am so glad! I was really hoping you would agree to do it since you are a leader in our church and I am sure you will have our congregations best interest in mind!”

She said “Leader.” She called me a leader. I thought to myself, I wonder how I will feel about this Call Committee after this training my boss is making me go to.

I see now what my boss, the lady from church, and so many others see in me. I assure you that this is in no way a conceded thing. I do not think I am better then anyone.

I am just as good as I am.

And knowing that is an awesome thing.