Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Defeated

I am expanding. Literally. And at an alarming rate.

I cannot believe how much weight I have gained and continue to gain. I feel awful, look awful, and my attitude about it has been awful.

So now what?

Weight Watchers again? Something different? Lap Band?

I am not motivated to do anything. My energy level is so low that I get exhausted just thinking about sitting on the exercise bike.

And I eat. I eat and snack all day long and late into the night.

Remember back when I would post every Saturday how I was doing on Weight Watchers and everyone was cheering me on. I lost 42 pounds! I felt like I was going to finally get down to the weight I wanted to be and then it all fell apart.

I blame the house situation but really, there is no one to blame. I let that be a crutch and an excuse. Shame on me.

So now I am looking for a spark. A kick in the pants. Something to get the old me back.

I need a lift.

20 comments:

CALpumper said...

I feel for ya bro.

It sucks. I could eat ALL day.
I've No motivation to exercise, None at all. Zlich.

Whoa, uh, that is not a kick or spark for ya now is it! Sorry.

Uh -- I don't know. Wish I did. I am in the same boat. I feel it sinking and I HATE IT. Yet I have not tried anything.

Lack of motivation Sucks.

I do know that I have to WANT to. The need is a given. The Want is my main issue. Somewhere, deep deep down, I know I want to but it's obviously not enough of a want, or it's not at the surface yet.

This area of my life drives me crazy. I have no idea what to do.

But I do know that if you want it, you will get it.
Not sure how yet tho. Sorry, no spark, I was really trying tho.... dang.

Chris said...

It's terribly cliche, but "one day at a time" is probably the best way to approach it. Don't try to run 10 miles tomorrow, try to walk 10 minutes. Something like that.

I believe you will find the motivation again. From what I've read on the Internet, Ninjas never accept defeat.

Baby steps. We got your back, man. Baby steps.

Kerri. said...

Every morning when I come into work, there's a dLifeTV episode playing on the flatscreen by the doorway. And this morning, I saw your happy face grinning down at everyone as you reached into your sock to bolus. I was happy to see you. :)

You've done so much in the last few years to get your health on track, but backsliding a bit is normal. (Believe me, I understand. My A1c refuses to budge and 7 lbs of post-wedded bliss have secured themselves to my hips. Not. Fun.) But you really have come such a long way and I know you can get your weight back under control. You've done it before. You can totally do it again.

Like Chris said, one day at a time. (Would those be "baby ninja steps?") Today, you decided you wanted to change. Today, you can start to slowly make that change. Today, we're all here for you.

Thankfully, tomorrow we'll be here for you, too. And the next day. And the next day. :)

Goonies ... erm, Ninjas never say die!

floreksa said...

I'm right there with ya!!

I just started the Wii Active 30 day challenge. I'm hoping it provides the swift kick in the a$$ that I need.

Cara said...

Stress will most deff. cause the weight to come back. We just have other things on our mind other than watching what we eat.
You know, I lost 10 pound during the whole BL thing. And promotly gained 7 lbs of it back right after my grandmother died in the span of 2 weeks. :(
I totally have a lack of motivation MOST of the time.
You will be okay. You will find it. And just remember, that we are here rooting you on. :)

Megan said...

I know how you feel...it really sucks. Sometimes I get a kick in the pants when I'm hanging out with my 4 year old daughter -- do i want to be fat and unhealthy and not able to run around and play with her, or do I want to do the right thing so i can be there for her in the future? It's good motivation for me to think about being healthy and happy for my li'l girl :)

Harry said...

I know how you feel, and even though I actually enjoy working out, I also enjoy watching tv and drinking beer, so it can sometimes be hard to muster the motivation to do it. I've found that the best way for me to work out consistently and stay in shape is to set some sort of goal, say a specific event to train for, or losing x pounds by a certain date (within reason, of course). Even if it's something that I enjoy doing like running or biking, I like knowing that it's getting me closer to my goal, rather than just doing it because "it's good for me".

Hang in there, dude. You'll find some inspiration.

k2 said...

Gninja-
I'm with Chris and Kerri-"One day at a time" friend.

Go for little changes first, not big ones. Try walking for 10 minutes like Chris suggested.
Drink more water or homemade iced tea instead of diet soda.

Get your crunchy fix through carrots, apples, pears & sweet peppers. All low in calorie and high in fiber!
Floreksa mentioned wii fit- I know you kick wii butt - so continue to w/ gusto!

Laugh often - it burns more calories than you might think!

Everyone has weight loss stops and starts,and everyone gets frustrated.

My old boyfriend would be the first one to say I was getting fat & would tell me I looked terrible, and yet he'd continue to hand me a protein shake after the gym that had a scoop of Ben & Gerry's !

After we broke up,my weight problem became less of one - go figure?

Continue to do and surround yourself with the good G

Don't stop doing George - we all are all here for you and love you very much! We are proud of you on every level!
k2

Sara said...

You can do it George!

Think of all the things you have accomplished in the past few years. Started pumping, stopped smoking (HUGE SUCCESS), got a CGMS. You are winning the health war, this is just a temporary battle set-back.

I do know something else that will help. Setting up the next O.C. DOC hangout time.

P.S. word verification - reentest. Reentest - don't guess!

Nicole P said...

You CAN get back on track, George - you WILL.

Kerri's right, a little backsliding is normal. As long as you don't let it turn into an avalanche. And the fact that you're acknowledging this, says to me you're not defeated, you're simply under fire. And you're a ninja, so you know, bring it... :P

Over the past two years, I've lost 60 lbs. I can hardly believe it. When I'm having a rough day, I remind myself that focusing on my health is not a one-time deal, that it's an everyday struggle. And if I gain some pounds back, I try to refocus. I try to get back on track. Sometimes I succeed.

And, please, cut yourself a break. Stress can have an enormous effect on weight/health - you've got to recognize that. It's not a crutch, it's the truth.

You CAN do this. You WILL do this.

Scott said...

Look at it this way: losing weight is hard enough when you have a functional endocrine system. You don't even have that luxury, which means you have even more challenges than the average person does! I need to lose a few lbs. myself, but the insulin required for good HbA1c's gets in the way of losing weight, and it may prove easier to lose the weight and not focus quite as much on the HbA1c. Once you make progress there, it will also be easier to manage because you will need less insulin to reduce your glucose levels. Focus on one priority at a time ... really!

manny hernandez said...

Watch this video, minute 2:38, dude! http://www.youtube.com/user/tudiabetes#uploads/5/EfExLd1Jgn8

(remember that?) ;)

carol said...

You are NOT defeated, just on a detour. The battle is not over, you're just in the midst of it. Ninjas do not run from a fight.

Is there a goal...other than to be thinner...that sounds like fun to you or would be a real accomplishment that could sort of pull you along? Maybe train to do a 5K or a specific bike ride that's a few months out? Those things are easier if you are lighter, but losing weight is not the end goal.

I'm struggling with weight and motivation too right now and am also without a goal (hmm...maybe not a coincidence). It seems like I'm most successful when I have something to focus on other than "must lose weight or else".

p.s. your word verification IS a real card today..."desserch".

micksmom28 said...

I hear you dude! Since I've been home, I have gained at least 20 lbs. I keep saying that tomorrow I will start, but I never get there. I am thinking about the LapBand too, but will it really solve all of my problems or just buffer them? Will I gain it all back later? I long to be thin again like I was, but it is such a long road. I just like to eat too much! And I don't have the energy to cook or exercise. Maybe I don't have the energy because I am overweight. I don't know the answer, but I can sure empathize with you. Love ya! Hang in there!

Lora said...

I just took a photo of myself in my swimsuit. I plan on posting it above my treadmill. And maybe on the refrigerator. (And deleting all digital copies in existence anywhere.)

I hate exercising, I always will. But each time I decide to hop on the bike or treadmill, even if it's just for 10 minutes, I feel a little better about myself.

I agree with the consensus: 10 minutes at a time.

Good luck, George.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Yeah, I'm right there with you. I bet we're even gaining weight the same (being all connected and shit).

I'll start my basketball again, maybe that will help us BOTH get moving!

Hey - what ever happened to the racquetball stuff? Is that still an option?

Amylia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amylia said...

I feel ya, George! The more we expand the less energy we have the less energy we have the less we move the less we move the worse we feel the worse we feel the less we feel motivated the less motivated we feel the more we gain the more we gain the more insulin we require the more insulin we require the more fat we store the more fat we store the fatter we become the fatter we become the more insulin we require the more insulin we require the more.....uh, you know the drill!

EIEY! I agree with Scott, though. I've been so focused on trying to fix it all that I feel like a big fat failure on all fronts. Maybe just focusing on the one thing for now...and what I've realized, though I don't always do it, of course, is that EXERCISE is the ONLY thing related to my diabetes care that actually makes me feel BETTER--the rest of it may make me feel "normal" or prevent me from feeling like crap, but when I exercise (and for a long time after, provided I don't go low) it actually makes me feel so good. Not that I LIKE to do it all the time, but I like how it makes me feel. I try to remember that.

Lea said...

George,
It sucks to feel that beat- I can relate. You are so hard on yourself, it makes me so sad. When I don't feel like working out, I have to remind myself that God designed my body to bend, move and stretch for good reason, and that helps me get through any tough workout.
The answer for you will not come from any surgery, crazy pill or fad diet. You know what to do! Kick ass George!! I believe in ya :)

Bernard said...

George are you going to be in Indianopolis in July? Maybe we can go for an evening run together. Trust me, my running stinks but I'd be happy to stumble along.

Would it help if you tweeted when you exercise and we root for you while you're doing it? Because I know you can. God bless your efforts.