Lately I have been examining my life and really thinking about what I do day in and day out. What a depressing exercise.
First and foremost I am a father and a husband. Two things I try to devote as much of my energy as I can towards. I am also an employee to a great company that I enjoy. I am the band leader of our church’s contemporary band. I have just started playing music with some friends in hopes to start a little band for fun.
Looking at these things makes me question why I do what I do. I enjoy music very much. It is an outlet for my creativity and at church, it helps people worship and connect to their spirituality. I appreciate all of the kind words from the congregation but that is not why I do it. I do it, honestly, to get me to church. I need church to keep me grounded and connected to God. I also need church for the fellowship. My church family is there for me all the time.
My family is of course something I will never quit and never stop devoting most of my energy towards. I love my wife and kids more then I can even understand. It is so strange how just the thought of something happening to them can make me sick to my stomach and bring me to tears almost instantly. They are my world!
My job? It’s a job. A good place to work. I am treated well. I love my co-workers. We are like a little family. I make a decent wage for a guy without a college education. The health benefits are good too. I am good at my job and am told that constantly but, what do I do really? I feel like what I do is so insignificant but I do not feel that way about myself.
This is going to sound very conceited but I will break it down so you all won’t hate me.
I have always had this sense of purpose. Even as a little kid I remember always thinking, “George, you are important and you have the power to change the world!” I would think this to myself as I was made fun of for being fat, As I contemplated suicide (but never did it for this reason), as I would cry myself to sleep hating what I looked like and my life in general, all these times I would stop and remember that I am here to do great things. I was put on the earth to be someone who made a difference.
Even though these thoughts have been with me all of my life I still have very little self esteem. It’s almost as if I have let myself down! How honked up is that? I hate myself and did not want to exist because I thought I was worthless but the reason I never went through with it was because I knew I was put here for a very important reason!
So now I have been blogging for about 6 months. I have made some great friends online. I love the OC and now that I have finally accepted the fact that I am a PWD I want to do more. Maybe this is where I am supposed to help people, make a difference in the world for diabetics, and do what it is God sent me here to do.
So now what?
I have no education besides high school. I have no direction or connections to anyone or anything in my area. I don’t know if I have the skills or talent to pull any of this stuff off.
Maybe I am kidding myself. Maybe the thought of purpose was a self defense to keep me from putting a bullet into my brain. But even as I type this I cannot calm the storm in my heart that is shouting, “George, you know that you are special and that you have a bigger purpose on this earth then you can see.”
God help me open my eyes to what it is.
About Me
- George
- Whittier, California, United States
- I am a husband, father, writer, musician, type 1 and Ninjabetic.
4 comments:
Boy, I feel you on this one.
For all you other readers, this is just my take on things. I don't intend to start some big spiritual debate, and will not participate if one should develop. These are my personal views, take them or leave them. G-money and I are on the same page about many things, so I feel very comfortable speaking my mind to him.
On to my comment...
I too have that same sense of purpose. It's vague though - not knowing exactly what to do or when to do it - but that is how God's plan works - it will make us patient for sure.
But still, I know for sure that I am destined to make a big difference somewhere.
My thought on this is to be open to the plan that God has for you each day - don't waste a bunch of energy swimming against the current. Go with the flow, asking for guidance and support, and you will eventually end up where you are supposed to be, when you are supposed to be there. If you fight it, you still get there, it just takes longer. There is no way to not follow God's plan for you. It's impossible.
I also look at what I do right now, and am Ok with the fact that I might be destined to do what I'm doing right now - even if it's not some grand scheme. So I do what I do the best I can - I dedicate myself to it.
Who are you to say that leading the church band is not "big" enough? Maybe you are touching many people with your music? Who knows? I don't, you don't, but you see - you don't have to! Just know that it's IMPOSSIBLE to not follow God's plan for you.
Remember the blind man that Jesus healed? Didn't he spend his whole life struggling with blindness, for the sole purpose of being right there, right then, allowing Jesus to heal him and for us to hear the story through the bible? That's a heck of a thing when you think about it from the blind man's perspective...
I guess what I'm saying is just to be open about whatever it might be that God has in store for you. It will be big, but maybe not the same "big" that you had in mind.
Go with the flow.
George -
You are important, and you do have the power to change the world. Everyone does. There may be a large or small group of people you influence directly, depending on whether you're Brittany Spears or just your average working guy, but you can and do have a big impact on their lives. And they each have their own spheres of influence, and there's really no way of knowing just when that little thing you did may pop up and save someone else.
I remember staying overnight at my grandmother's house, every weekend for months, because she was too sick to be left alone. I was there when my parents told her her leg needed to be amputated, and I was there when she got home from the hospital, and had to learn to walk again, first with a walker and later with an artificial leg. I was nine years old, and I remember her telling me "The only thing we can do now is pray."
She could have given up - she'd had some bad things happen, and no one would blame her if she stayed close to home. But she didn't. She was a tough old lady, and she decided what she wanted to do was travel. She belonged to three senior citizen clubs. She went on bus trips at least twice a month. She went to Hawaii six times, only letting her daughters rent a wheelchair for her when she was over 85.
And when I was diagnosed with Type 1 over 25 years later, it was those nights with my grandmother I remembered. With the improvements in diabetes care, I hope never to have to face the complications she did. But even if I do, how could I not meet them with the same grace and dignity my grandmother did?
She may not have thought she could change the world. But she is - a bit at a time, through the people who knew her, those who know me, those who will know my children.
So even though it may not be looking like you are changing the world, rest assured what needs to get out will spread. Trust your sense of purpose, and never doubt you are making a difference.
You know that saying, "To the world you are only one person, but to one person you may be the world"? I like that.
True, we may not touch thousands or even hundreds of people in our lives, but even if we touch just a few, it's significant. I think it's a question of quality versus quantity. Being a wonderful, loving husband and father is a great legacy. Ultimately it's more important to your wife and kids than any grand task you take on.
I agree with Scott that God will lead you to your purpose in life. Singing in a church band is a wonderful ministry! I for one LOVE practicing and enriching my faith through music. The first thing I do when I get to mass is check which songs we're singing that day! And believe me, bad music really hurts the spiritual mood! So, sharing your musical talents with your church family should not be underestimated, it's a gift!
Keep asking for guidance, it'll be there!
George
Sorry to hear you're struggling like this. For what it's worth, I go through similar thoughts a great deal.
Try reading the book of Esther from the Old Testament, especially Esther 4:12-14.
Now Esther she had it lucky in some ways. Her uncle basically pointed out to her that perhaps this is the reason why she was put on the Earth by God (at least that's how I interpret it).
Me, I'm still waiting for my uncle or anyone else to tell me what's my purpose.
In the meantime, I do find that my diabetes tends to give me lots of excuses for doing things I wouldn't normally do.
A friend of mine from church once gave me this great early morning prayer which was to ask God to help him listen to what God was telling him and act on what he heard. Me, I spend a lot of time giving praise and glory and a LOT of time asking for forgiveness and help, but I keep forgetting my friend's prayer.
I hope that God whispers in your ear one way or another.
Bernard
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