Friday, March 13, 2009

Heavy Day

Today is tough day.

March 13th that is.

It was or is or I dunno what the correct terminology should be but March 13th 1949 was the year my father was born.

Today would have been his 60th birthday and it is getting to me, a lot. He has been gone for a long time. Long enough that I am embarrassed that this is even getting the best of me but I cannot stop thinking about him, hearing his voice, picturing him being the comedian he always was, and hearing that laugh. I feel like I should be over it by now or at least not crying about it.

I am not sure why this one is getting to me so much.

Maybe it’s because my son came in first on his 2 mile race yesterday?

Maybe it’s because my daughter is hysterical and totally has his sense of humor?

Maybe it’s because my little sister is about to have her first child and he did not get to meet my kids, my other sisters two kids, and now the new little one coming along soon.

Maybe it’s because tomorrow I have to pick up the last things at our old place and finally be completely done with it?

Maybe it’s because despite all the economic crap my boss still decided to give me a bonus which I do not feel I deserve?

Maybe it’s because all the things and everything about my life I loved to share with him and I cannot.

Today is just too heavy for me.

16 comments:

k2 said...

G-Ninja-
Missing our fathers can happen when we least expect it...and even when we do - it doesn't make it any easier.
Time passes, we get on with our loss, but we never get over it.
The loss becomes part of us and memories help, even when they make us sad.
Find comfort in your family, in your daughters comedic timing and your son crossing the finish line.
Know that your dad is watching everything that's going on in your life, and know that he's proud of you.

As far as your bonus - you absolutely deserve it! You deserve every piece of wonderfulness that comes your way!

Love and BACON
k2

Karen said...

I can't imagine that there would ever be a time when it's okay not to miss your father or feel sad that he is missing so much of your life. Of course you are still sad that he is no longer here. That sounds completely normal to me.

Big hugs sent from (sadly) clear across the country. We love you!

JaimieH said...

I know your dad is watching over your family and enjoying every moment of it which does not make it any easier... missing loved ones is so tough and I don't think there is ever a time limit on grief...little spontaneous reminders can choke me up at the most random time...

Sending big hugs and a couple prayers...enjoy every second of those fab' kiddos you have!!

oh and OF COURSE you deserve the bonus! geezzzzzz ur a ninja!

Michelle said...

I think Jaimie said it best: there is never a time limit on grief. Don't beat yourself up for missing your dad. Hugs and good thoughts your way.

Lea said...

George,
I'm sorry today has been so hard.
Hang in there, my friend.
Lea

Araby62 (a.k.a. Kathy) said...

I know the feeling, hermano. I still miss my mom and it's been seven years. Hang in there (:-)

Scott K. Johnson said...

And it is Ok to feel whatever way God would have you feel today.

I love you brother!

Penny said...

That's OK George. That's why we're here, to help bare the load.

(((hug)))

Andrea said...

Did you know that my grandma Magdalena passed away almost 32 years ago? When I picked the date for my wedding, I was glad the Sunday of Memorial weekend wasn't the 25th because I know that day is always hard on my mom because that's the day her mom died. I don't think you ever stop missing your parents once they're gone, and I have learned this from watching my mom struggle with the loss of her parents every day of my entire life. I think it's OK that you cry today, on your dad's birthday. I think that makes you a son.

ninnifur said...

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

I don't know what to say, I think everyone else said it perfectly.

tmana said...

In the Jewish tradition, after a year-long period of mourning, memorial prayers for the dead are said five times a year. Four of the days are on religious holidays or festivals; the fifth is on the anniversary of that person's passing. I believe other traditions use birthdays to say prayers, or celebrate/wake/re-wake the life of one who has passed.

You are such a religious and spiritual person, George, that I think it would comfort you to say a prayer for your dad, and maybe even make a small donation in his memory towards something that would keep others from dying as young as he did.

Cherise said...

Bro-

Reading your post made me think about the true meaning of memories. I am sorry you lost your father but glad you have the memories. I couldn't imagining lossing my DADMOM (momm played both rolls). Your Father would be proud of the man that you are, the loving father and husband that you've become.

Cherise

No Sugar Needed said...

I don't think it matters how old we get, our parents are still our parents and the paid of losing them is just plain hard - regardless of the amount of time that has passed.

Your entry touched me, deeply -
God Bless

Beth said...

Having lost my mom before my kids were born (and before I was ready to be without her), I totally get what you are feeling. My mom's birthday was Dec. 31. For the last 15 years, I've been so sad and depressed about missing my mom while the entire world is celebrating New Year's Eve that I get really confused. Other days, it just sneaks up on me and whaps me upside the head when I don't expect it; I can see my mom in my kids and some days it just brings me to tears that she isn't here to see it, too.

Just want you to know that you're not alone, and it's OK for us to be sad because we're missing a person of huge importance in our lives. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Jill said...

Hey Cool Ninja! Just now saw your post and want you to know I'm thinkin about ya :) Blogging is a great way to let out those feelings and my heart goes out to you with this post.

Keep your chin up and BTW, you may not think you deserved that bonus but obviously "someone" thought you did! (((HUGE HUGS)))

Sandra said...

George,

I just read this...and oddly enough it read a lot like my blog about MY father on the 14th, which was 30 years after he died. Today, Laurie and Michelle are doing the same thing because it's their mom's birthday. Life goes on, but there's always that little place in your heart where they continue living....