Monday, May 04, 2009

A New Numb

After an awesome and yet tiresome rehearsal at church, I came home Saturday night and plopped down in front of the TV to relax for a few.

I started watching one of the many food competition shows which I love and just chilled for a while. As I was sitting there I put my hand no my thigh and realized that my hand felt asleep. I am not unfamiliar with this feeling since after working on my computer for any amount of time my right hand goes numb. So annoying.

But this felt different. I put my left hand on my left thigh and my left hand felt asleep too. What the heck is going on? When I put my hands together they felt fine and that was when I realized that my thighs were asleep.

It was the weirdest sensation I have ever had. I kept poking my leg and the whole thing was tingling. Not completely asleep but definitely dozing off if that makes sense.

Neuropathy has affected both of my feet for some time now but now it seems it has moved up my legs. Even now they still feel strange.

It’s almost as if diabetes is slowing taking my feeling away. It is an eerie feeling. Like I am dying from the feet up.

And now the questions begin. Am I doing all I can to take care of myself? Is diabetes winning the battle? Will I ever be able to feel like I have the upper hand?

I am so tired. I know I have to keep going but man, it’s hard to WANT to stay on top of things. Sometimes I just want to say, screw it. I had a dream the other night that before I went I to bed I just decided I was done with it all and disconnected my pump and went to sleep. As if that would be a peaceful way to go right?

I am in no way suicidal and yet my subconscious seems to be. Or at least there is something in my head that decided to make that subject the main storyline during dreamtime the other night.

Diabetes sucks.

18 comments:

CALpumper said...

Hell yeah it sucks.

Man. I am so sorry.
I hate that you are going through this.

Trying to get, obtain, Find, wish for the Upper Hand seems pointless so often.

Hate this freakin' disease. Man, I HATE it.

Chin up Ninja.
You gots to stay positive (uh, I struggle with this crap so nevermind on that one), Stay Funny, we all need our Bad Ninja. ;-)

Nicole P said...

G. There is nothing to say except that I KNOW.

And I'm thinking of you. Thinking the best thoughts, the strongest thoughts, the warrior thoughts, the NINJA thoughts.

R.L.Scovens said...

Hi there. I'm a new diabetic so I don't know yet what tired really is! I pray that God gives you the strength you need to keep going.

Jillian said...

Thank you for being so honest. I have little more to say than I've totally been there. Sending you positive thoughts!

George said...

CAL, Nicole, and Jillian - It is good not to feel alone. Thank you.

R.L. Thank you for your prayers. Please come around and get to know all of us online Diabetics. I could not live without the support I have found online. I hope to get to hear more for you! WELCOME (although I am sorry you had to get this dumb disease.)

Cara said...

This whole diabetes thing sucks. I know you know that. But we all know it too. I often wake-up wondering why in the world I work so hard.
But I get up and do it anyway.
Sigh.
I can't offer anything other than my understanding. Believe me, I understand.

Rachel said...

Silly Rachel: Are you sure you're not using Barbie as a voodoo doll on yourself?

Seriously, it all sucks, esp the dream. Thinking of you.

Lora said...

Thank you for letting me that even the most experienced, great diabetics can get down and annoyed by the whole thing every now and then. It sucks, and I haven't even been at it nearly as long as you. Stupid diabetes.

stickysweetdiabetics said...

I feel you and the longer you have the more ou wonder if you've done everything you can to prevent the complications. I wonder if they are going to happen regardless of what we do and what frustrates me is my little brother who does nothing to manage his diabetes. He draws up insulin, injects, eats and the cycle repeats itself. No every 3 month doctor visit, no 6 times a day fingersticks and definitely no logging. I too sometimes want to give up BUT my boys wouldn't understand and no one would be able to explain it to them. So I fight, try to stay positive and keep planning to live a long time for them.

Praying that you stay positive and that the complications stay far, far, far away!

tMac said...

Oh look, I just kicked a table and broke more toes.

Oh look, I just drew blood trying to clip the nails on said broken toes.

Oh look, I just jammed a freaiin' huge spike thru my foot.

Funny, I didn't notice. Now I guess i get to be on IV antibiotics for the next 8 weeks. Oh Joy . . .

SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! It's the one part of D I really HATE! No apologies for that word. H A T E it! G-, I am so sorry this is happening.

The bright side? Shots and infusion sets don't hurt as much. I don't care, IT STILL SUCKS!

Scott K. Johnson said...

That sucks G-Money. It is very hard to keep going, but we somehow always find a way and a reason to keep fighting.

Death comes soon enough on its own my friend, let's do what we can to enjoy the days we have. I always think about how much fun we had hanging out together - I don't think I've laughed that much in forever. That alone is reason enough to keep going.

Karen said...

Oh George, I am SO right there with you. It all just seems to hard, and really, what's the point? Right?

I guess maybe the point is that there are a bunch of people out there that love us. And would be lost with out us. And when we are too tired to go on for ourselves, we go on for them.

George said...

Karen - Your comment really hit me. That is so very true.

Colleen said...

I can't say anything more than everyone else has said. I will keep you in my prayers.

claire cplusjw said...

I feel for you- and thank you for your openness. being type 1 for 10 years now I am waiting for this to start happening to me as well. I totally understand and wish to God they would hurry up and find a way to save us. Every day we gotta wake up begin again, and never give up. If not for us then for our loved ones. Keep going- and keep up the posts. You are one of a very few i follow on twitter because you just say it. thank you.

Cherise said...

George-

I am worried about you! I'll continue to pray for you and I hope the neuropathy doesn't progress. Gosh, darn! I am so sorry! Gosh, Darn, Gosh.

Be Blessed and stay Prayerful

Penny said...

Agreed, diabetes does suck, or cause major suckage (as one fellow blogger would put it;-)

I don't know how you guys (PWD) do it day in and day out. I have days with Riley's sugars that I just want to give up. It feels like that no matter what I do and how hard I try diabetes wins. I can't give up though because he's my son. If it was me who had D I may have given up a long time ago.

You do an awesome job, George. (((big hug)))

James said...

Hey bro,
It's tough at times, no doubt. But you know God does not allow anything you cannot handle. I appreciate your honesty in this post, but our job is to get up every day and FIGHT! Could you be doing more? Could I? Could we all? Of course. We live; learn, and keep striving ahead. There are those that have a much worse plight than us my friend. I totally disagree, it doesn't suck - and I had 20+ years of crappy blood sugars (despite my best efforts). I'd love to talk with you outside this forum.

There are many people reaching out to you with love and empathy. Let's all fight together so we can be the first generation of those that experience the 'cure,' whenever and however it comes!

Blessings to you.