Wednesday, September 02, 2009

A XXL Breakdown

Last night I was going through my work shirts to figure out what I was going to wear today.

I am working at a convention today and we have pretty nice button up shirts with our company name and logo

embroidered on them. I grabbed my white shirt and it didn’t fit. Then I tried the black one. Nope. Well, maybe the navy blue shirt? No way.

Digging through my closet,

frantically looking for a nice button down long sleeve shirt to wear was like torture for me because nothing fit.

I started yanking clothes off of the hangers and throwing them on the floor.

“Why do I have any of this stuff? This is all reminders of what a fat ass I am!”

Finally I found 1 lone black shirt that fits. One. In a closet FULL of clothes.

I am upset, angry, sad, frustrated, and the worst of all not motivated to do anything.

This blog post is being written because whenever I post about this stuff, I find some encouraging words that help me find some motivation. Just getting it out helps me.

The worst part about it all is that during this breakdown of throwing clothes around my BG tanked and I ended up having to eat.

Diabetes can kiss my fat ass for rubbing salt in my wound.

15 comments:

Allison Blass said...

Maybe you should work towards a goal other than "losing weight."

I may not be skinny, but I went from barely biking five miles in an hour and being wiped out, to biking 25 miles (and being wiped out!). Maybe if you trained for something it would keep you motivated. It sure kept me motivated, especially when people were giving me money to do what I said I was going to do. Certainly keeps you from giving up!

Just something to think about.

Also, my word verification is "saltrapp." Perhaps it's a sign you're consuming too much sodium? Just a thought...

Karen said...

Oh George, I so know where you are coming from. Pete and I had to donate 5 bags full of cloths this spring because they didn't fit. When I went shopping for new stuff, I hated how big and dumpy everything looked on me. We started our diets the next day.

Unfortunately, in the past few weeks I've lost my motivation, and I think I've put back on all of the weight I had taken off. So I don't have any answers for you. But Pete and I will start again if you will too! Together, the three of us can do anything!

PS: Sorry it didn't work out for your to meet up with him on this trip. I'm hoping we can come out for a real vacation - and then we'll make sure to see you!!

CALpumper aka Crystal said...

((hugs))

I wish I had something to offer up. I have a love/hate relationship with exercise or anything healthy really. Everyday.

It's a mindset. It has to come from within. The whole, "I feel good about me." I struggle daily. If I'm not in a good/decent mental place, nothing will motivate me.

I am slowly making progress in this area but it's hard. Really hard.

Hang tough Dbro. One day is just that, one day. Tomorrow is another day. It Will work out. It Will get better. Philippians 4:6

Much love always....

tmana said...

Understood -- we women go through that sort of thing... all too often. (It's why some of us have closets full of clothes ranging from sizes 2 to 20, arranged by size. More or less.)

First, take a deep breath.

You are the size you are. Think of the ads "beauty at every size"? You are beautiful, George. It may not show in the package, but hey -- how many great presents did you get that were cruddily wrapped -- and how many pretty packages have you opened that turned out to have nothing but trash inside?

Second: if you focus on weight or size, you are going to get frustrated at every turn. We diabetics have a double whammy there, since our eating is already disordered by "normal people" standards, and withholding food (which may not reduce your insulin dosage) will only lead to clinically disordered eating.

I'm not going to say "accept yourself as a Big, Beautiful Man (BBM) and join up with an organization such as NAAFA (National Association for the Acceptance of Fat Americans, or something like that) because I think you would take that as being a failure, like so many of us do.

I am going to echo Allison in terms of looking for other health goals: fitness, more consistent bg (if possible), eating healthier foods to be as alert and active as possible.

I'm going to suggest you find a "diabetes poster child" organization for a sport or activity you enjoy (e.g., Team Type 1 for cycling) and ask the athletes or medical staff for some cues on how to manage the oddball lows when you are working out.

I'm going to suggest you talk with your church and your local theater and consider volunteering for the crew of plays you don't act in -- moving scenery can be strenuous activity!

And in the end, I'm going to tell you to give it up to G-d, and let the power of prayer and positive thinking guide you into a healthy lifestyle.

BUT: I will also say that our foibles, our weaknesses, and our challenges are tasks that prepare us to do His bidding somewhere else down the road, so much as Jesus ended his "take this cup from me" plea with, "not my will, but Thy Will, be done", you may need to come to a separate Peace with your weight and body geometry.

Carol said...

Well, breakdowns can often lead to change, so step one...done! I agree w/ what Allison said about focusing on a physical challenge instead of weight loss. Maybe a long term goal like her bike ride or a series of local 5K runs/walks. Not eating is sort of depressing, but exercise gets the endorphins going, so at the very least, it puts you in a better frame of mind. Keep the goals reasonable and give yourself plenty of time...no "all or nothing" thinking allowed. Expect setbacks and recovery times, and you can borrow my mantra if you want "I'm faster than my couch".

Kerri said...

You know the drill, SuperG. :) It's so ON!!!!!

Danny said...

Are you eating for comfort? (A bad habit) Or are you eating to feed lo BS? (Another bad habit)

The change and the decision to make change has to come from 1 person (you) I'd like to see you change, but can't make you do anything. Its all up to you.

A Michael Jackson "Man In The Mirror" song might be good background music right about now...

Diabetic Parents said...

I feel your pain dude.
I thought it was only woman that had their collection of different sized clothes, but dude I've got mine too.

My wife laughs because I haven't changed pant sizes, just the amount of fat hanging over the pants has. And I haven't gained any weight--just lost muscle.

k2 said...

G-Ninja-
Well friend, my advice is 2 walk it off- literally & figuratively! Walking is great for your head,- it clears out all the crap that life brings & it's a great opportunity 2 listen to some super-fly tunes.
Walking is also the cheapest form of exercise, EVER.
Start out 15-20 minutes - see if you can walk during your lunch break.
After a week or so, move up to 30-35 minutes and take it from there!
George- just walk- and stick with it. 10 minutes or 30, just walk EVERY DAY.
Here's the thing- I used to walk a lot- more than the average bear. @ first it was just during my lunch hour & then, over the years,
I worked up to 10-20 miles a week. My head was crystal clear.
Then 3 years ago I tore the ligaments in my toe & foot. Then I developed metatarsalgia
Now, I have to continually tape my toe and I'm in pain after a 2 mile walk.
BUT, walking STILL makes my head feel better, not to mention my heart, & my waist line.
Just start start walking G-1 foot in front of the other.
Kelly K

Scott K. Johnson said...

I am right there with you. Literally & figuratively.

Cherise said...

Sheen-

walk it off:) walk away the pounds:) find something you enjoy exercise wise and focus on it. You can do it;) maybe we need to start a Sugachine exercise challenge, notice I said "exercise" not weight loss. I know you are capable. Let's do it!!! Woot. PS if I have to meet you halfway someone where every weekend to walk with you...I'm game.

micksmom28 said...

Why don't you join "The Biggest Loser" with the rest of your wife's family! We are keeping each other motivated!

Lea said...

George, I some of what you're going through. A couple months ago, I could barely squeeze my ass into my "loose jeans" and had a kind of meltdown. And then Noah told me the bully from school used to tease him by telling him his mother was a "fatass". Let's face it. Being fat sucks. It's no fun, and to top it all off, when we feel badly, we tend to eat as a way to comfort. It's just how we roll, but it doesn't have to stay that way. I can't really put my finger on the turning point for me personally, but I can tell you that I got sick of starting and stopping ...going from uber-motivated to downright lazy.
My first step was to go to a nutritionist, and she gave me guidelines- that's it. I had to make the decision to change. The first week was torture. Anyone who has struggled with weight loss knows what hell that feels like. Hungry, cranky, etc. A month has gone by, and I'm telling you- it's easier. My body is lighter, and so is my mind.
George, you give SO MUCH to SO MANY, and you do it in such a caring and unselfish way. It's time to turn that care onto yourself- without guilt- that's a hurdle to get over. It almost feels selfish to focus on yourself, but it's true that you're no good to anyone until you're good to yourself first.
I believe you can do it- I'm rooting for you!!

Jessica said...

I am feeling your pain. I swore I only bought fat clothes for the summer, and by fall I would fit into my regular ones again. Your last line is my new slogan. I know you didn't mean this to be funny, but I laughed! And, thanks because I needed it. You are awesome.

karim said...

A valuable post on positivethinking

Thanks,
Karim - Positive thinking